Tuesday, January 8, 2013

A Must for a Girl's Blog: The Beast.

If I were to ask Gollum a riddle, I'd ask this: What's small, cute and pink? Yes, a uterus! But, we girls know that things are actually not what they seem to be from outside.. or inside. The uterus is in fact deadly. It is a nightmare living inside us that we can't get rid of. It sleeps quietly until it's ready to pounce, and once every month, it wakes up and shreds you into pieces. And that's why I call it "The Beast".  

When The Beast is almost ready to wake up, you experience some physical and emotional changes. The physical ones are easy to describe: your face is covered with acne like a teenager, you gain weight, your breasts grow one cup bigger than they normally are, which makes you want to toss your bras in the garbage can, because they do not fit anymore. 
As for the emotional ones, they are not really that easy to describe, because during this time, you transform into something else, but I'll try anyway: You're super jealous. You're easily offended. You're extremely moody. You're very unhappy and you don't know why. You're restless. You make a huge deal out of smallest things, unlike other times. Your libido goes berserk. You get too emotional. You realize how much you love everyone and you start to cry. 10 minutes later, you realize how much you hate everyone and you continue to cry. Then, you accuse yourself of being a bad person for thinking those things and you cry some more. After a while, you don't even know why you're crying anymore, you just do, because you feel like it. You become too attached and dependent on things and people, and this makes you feel weak. You feel like you're the ugliest person in the world. You become obsessed with the things you couldn't achieve in life and think you are a failure, which fucks up your self esteem and self confidence. You get angry quite easily. You hurt the ones you love the most. You yell at everyone. You burst into laughter and end up crying. You feel like you are a mentally ill person who needs to be locked up in a hospital. But fear not my fellow warrior! You're not a maniac. You're just having PMS.

When the PMS ends and your period begins, if you think you've overcome another month, you're dead wrong, my friend. Because the most dangerous part starts now: The Beast attacks, and it's time for you to meet the worst of the worstest pain in the world. On your period, while writhing in pain on your bathroom floor, there will be a time where you'll doubt if you're having your period or actually dying. Every month, at least once, you'll think "maybe I had a disease or a tumor all along and I didn't notice it's symptoms and now it strikes and this is how I die." And those cramps, nausea and backache will be so unbearable that you will wish you were dead.

But why does The Beast do this? We know that violence is in its nature, however, The Beast actually wants you to have a hundred babies. Because in its own way, The Beast thinks this will make you happy. And when it realizes that it's not gonna happen this month either, The Beast feels betrayed. Because another month's work is for nothing again. With the anger running through its veins, The Beast thrusts its paws into you fiercely.

Although you can't really tame The Beast, you can still compromise with it, try to make it docile. Eat a lot of chocolate, ice cream and candies. Also, lock yourself up into your room, and never go out unless it's really necessary. Don't even answer your phone. Don't chat with people online, either. Spare people of the inconvenience you'll cause. One day, you will be free of The Beast's curse again, but for now, The Beast is all you have. And until then, together, you will be The Beauty and The Beast. Ha! Ha-ha. Punny. Or not.

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